Gutshot Grab-n-Go Post-Apocalyptic Gaming Party Pack
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Dang those Mayans! We were all ready to rake in the cash at the end of the world in Dec. 2012, but nooooo. The earth just had to keep on spinning. Now we're stuck with 9,997 awesome backpacks, chock full of gamer/survival gear. So we've priced them to MOVE!
That's right, pilgrims, your old saddle pals from Hawgleg Publishing have created the must-have product of the season… well, of last season, anyway. The Gutshot Grab-n-Go Post-Apocalyptic Gaming Party Pack is THE dream product for gaming survivalists (or should that be "survivalist gamers?"). The fact is, we created a truck-load full of gaming-themed survival backpacks and were all ready to sell them when the world came to an end. But of course, it didn't.
"At least we're pretty sure it didn't – turning on the evening news sometimes makes us wonder," said Gutshot co-creator Mike Mitchell.
The pack contains vital gear that you will need to survive in the dark days ahead following the collapse of civilization as we know it… or at the very least to make it through your family's next road trip to Wall, South Dakota with your sanity intact.
BTW: Paul "Mad Dog" Mauer wanted to add that he has seven potions of Sweet Water for sale and that you can find him in a shadowy corner of your neighborhood adventurers tavern.
What it is and How it Came to Be
That's right, pilgrim. Last year our saddle pal Paul "Mad Dog" Mauer got it into his head that the whole world was gonna go ka-blewie in December on the solstice because of that old Mayan prophecy. He was so convinced that he even tried to sell off his prized collection of Star Trek pizza cutters (including the limited edition, gold-plated one signed by Will Wheaton). Calmer heads prevailed, though, and Mitchell and Murphy were able to convince him that, even in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, someone would figure out a way to make a peperoni pizza – even they had to use freeze-dried irradiated goat cheese to do it.
"And that got us thinking even more," Mitchell said. "I mean, if someone was going to profit from the disaster… er, um… I mean help people make it through the troubling times ahead, why not let it be us?"
But even though the Hawgleg boys were concerned for the future, they weren't ready to panic. Not when there was a profit to be made (and heck, if things got really bad, the trio figured they could always hang out in Murphy's Bongolesian Summer Palace until the worst of it blew over).
Hawgleg Publishing co-creator Mike Murphy was less sanguine about the matter. Smoking a hookah in the command yurt he keeps near his Civil War Re-enactment camp in Indiana, he waxed philosophical about the continuation of our modern times and the company's proposed profiteering.
"Yes, we were planning to profit off the destruction of the world," Murphy said, smoke rings rising above his head in the languid breeze. "And we're okay with that. We were going to sell a quality product to a demographic traditionally underrepresented in most post-apocalyptic futures: The Gamer Geek. "After another thoughtful puff, he added, "Come on, it's not like we were going to try slipping in gluten-free pizza or something gross like that. This pack includes high-quality components that would serve anyone in any type of crisis. Except, of course, Cthulhu coming back. I mean, nothing would help you then."
Muttering again about how, "the stars aren't right… yet…" he allowed the dreamscape to take him once more to the ice plains of distant Kadath and let the visions claim him.
With Murphy exploring the midnight shores of distant Carcosa, that left Mitchell and Mauer to focus on the details of tracking down their partner's old contacts in the former Soviet military so they could cobble together enough Cold War Era surplus to create the Gutshot Grab-n-Go Post-Apocalyptic Gaming Party Pack, or the G4P2 as Paul would come to call it.
"All you need to do is say the full name two or three times and you realize that it needs an acronym," Paul said. "And an acronym that sounds like it could be a droid from a Star Wars sequel is even cooler."
Now How Much Would You Pay?
Although created for the end of the world, the packs provide everything you will need to face any type of disaster… or LARP. Which is why Hawgleg is proud to offer these life-saving essentials to the public at cut-rate costs.
"We discussed whether or not we should prep the pack for a specific type of apocalypse (economic, bird flu pandemic, asteroid impact, time-traveling Borg Assimilation, zombies, or yet another Kardashian Reality TV Show)," Mitchell said. "But we decided against it and just kept things generic."
The packs are made of high quality, triple Nylon flexi-weave, Kevlar fabric with loop-back stitching on the straps and Corinthian leather fittings on an adamantium frame (that also doubles as a toboggan) . Although it's not actually magical, it actually seems larger on the inside than the outside (making it ideal for a Doctor Who LARP), making it possible to fit all the contents listed above, along with a Ming Dynasty tea set and two DVD Box sets (not included).
Also, due to Federal Regulations, we cannot include the requisite firearms or guns that one would normally expect to need at the end of the world. But since that didn't happen and this is now just for gaming enthusiasts, that's probably for the best.
"The last thing any of us need is a rules lawyer packing heat," Mitchell said.
The entire pack is available for only $2012.12 (payment preferred in gold coins or vintage Archie Comics). Additional shipping and handling charges (including, possibly, a full-body massage for Murphy) may also be required to ensure that the G4P2 arrives in time for the start of the next millennium. That is to say, it will never arrive because, once again, this is another beer-fueled April Fool's Day story by grown men who should know better, but obviously don't. Have a great one, folks!
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